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** This message includes: Info on Danbury, Visitation, Legal Update, Updated Address and 2 letters from Jesse. **
April 19, 2003 In the past day I've learned a lot about how Jesse is doing in Danbury, and this morning I received 2 letters from him, one from Alderson and one from Danbury. The text of those letters is at the end of this email. In the first letter is a prayer ritual to the four directions that Jesse said exactly a week ago today. Jesse and I have a ritual at 2:30pm each day, and we would be honored if you would join us everyday in the prayer below or in any way that you choose to. On Danbury On Thursday night, I received a phone call from Charlotte Brown, mother of Katherine Brown, an SOA Watch prisoner of conscience who is also serving 3 months in Danbury. Charlotte left a message saying that Jesse wanted everyone to know that he is fine and that he is indeed in Danbury now, in the minimum security women's prison camp. This morning, Charlotte called me again and shared more specifics about Danbury. The prison was apparently built to house the 12 (?) men convicted in the Watergate scandal, complete with suite rooms (where their wives were allowed to stay with them), a game room and a swimming pool. The game room now houses about 100 women, but most women are housed in smaller rooms of about 15 inmates. The view from Danbury is beautiful - with the mountains on one side, and the higher security facility on the other. If an inmate is punished, they are put in a cell in the higher security facility. Each inmate is assigned even or odd days on which to receive visitors, and visiting hours are Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 12:30pm-8:00pm. As of last week, all visits must take place inside the visitors' room, and it is heart-wrenching to watch mothers separated at the end of the visits from their children. The food is apparently good, even for vegetarians, and overall, Danbury is supposed to be nicer than Alderson. Charlotte was grateful that Katherine and Jesse would be together in this better prison. Charlotte also told me that 2 other SOA Watch activists, a Lutheran minister and a Catholic nun, are continuing to be held in the cells, where each inmate is held before being processed into the system. Jesse was in a cell for one night and is now thankfully in general population, as you will read in his letter from Danbury below. Lastly, Charlotte said that all prisoners are allowed to call their lawyers at any time, whether or not they have been granted phone access yet. If this is accurate, it is very encouraging. Visitation I found out yesterday that Jesse's parents have also been in touch with Danbury, and have found out that Jesse is still being processed into the system there, which is why he hasn't called anyone else yet. This means that visitation cannot begin until after he has been processed into the system - hopefully by next weekend. Legal Address Jessica Carr #91389-020 Thanks for all of your support and letters to Jesse. The two letters below are really intense, but by the end of the second one, Jesse sounds much better. I heard from another SOA Watch prisoner of conscience who has been held in a county jail in Georgia for the past 3 months that mail call is the best time of the day, and that letters really sustain you through the most difficult of times. Take care and stay strong,
Sat. Apr. 12 (Included in the envelope were also two really nice goodbye notes to Jesse from other inmates from Alderson. One was a rhyming poem, with an address of someone Jesse hopes to keep in touch with throughout.) I've been pretty down since talking to you earlier this week because they cut off my phone privileges. They claim it's a flight risk for me to be able to talk to someone to tell them I'm transferring even though they're putting me on a bus by myself and trusting me to go there. So somehow I keep having my hopes dashed, thinking I can talk to my mom or you or somebody and then not being able to do it. This morning I cried a lot and felt alone and depressed. Luckily the weather finally changed (it's been raining every day since I got here) so in the midst of my 9am outdoor crying I decided to fuck the rules about not being on the grass. I put my hands in it and it felt very healing coming up through my fingers and hands and arms and then right into my heart. Then I figured out which was was North, South, East and West and managed a little prison prayer: Guardians of the North, spirits of earth, please bring me your qualities of endurance, strength, creation and physical well-being. Help me feel grounded and patient here. Guardians of the East, spirits of air, give me the power of clarity, analysis, and insight. Help me to see clearly what I can do to resist this system and understand it for what it is. Guardians of the South, spirits of fire, fill me with passion and vitality and raw energy. Do not let my senses and feeling beome dulled or my mind numb. Guardians of the West, spirits of water, help me to feel deeply without being overwhelmed. Bring me your qualities of cleansing, healing, and emotional vibrance, and your gentle persistence. Watch towers of the four directions, stay alive within me so I can carry your spirits home. I felt calmer and more peaceful then. My heart still feels heavy though, with not just the stress of my own situation but the accumulating weight of the stories I am hearing and the sadness that is beneath all these women's laughter and joking and play. At first I tried to take comfort: at least I'm not here for 5, 7, 12, 22, or 33 years (Ihave met women w/ these sentences.). But soon that comfort felt hollow and false, because really I'm saying, at least I'm not Black or poor or involved with men. So instead I've been thinking Kathy Boylan did 6 months here. Clare Hanrahan did 6 months here. Liz Mcalister did 2 1/2 years here. That 18 year old last year did 6 months. I can do this. I have been scouting around regarding Danbury, but it's hard because I am not out as transitioning so I can't give the full story. From what I hear, Danbury has a medium & minumum security facility, as well as a 'hole' (Administrative segregation, solitary confinement, etc.). The food is better, the guards comparable, the # of activities available slightly worse. I have two main fears, one is about what if they're putting me in a special ward for trannies? This has advantages & drawbacks, so my main, very related fear is what if their version of a special ward means being in medium security or in the hole? Is this something I want to fight, or do I want to be a witness to what is happening to incarcerated trannies? Overall I'm just overwhelmed by having to start all over again: self-surrender again, strip-search again, new place again, new people, don't know where anything is, etc. But I think I'll be fine. I've learned an important lesson about expectations, which is basically not to have any. I kept thinking I'd get to talk to you, so every time I couldn't it really hurt inside and was so disappointing. So now I'm saying this: I get to Danbury on Tuesday and it may take at least a week to get the phone shit in order, and I'm not going to do this again where I keep getting my hopes up every two hours. I'll say this: if two weeks go by and I haven't called or written, check in on me somehow. But otherwise chalk it up to the slow fucked-up bureaucratic mess they call the criminal justice system. Love,
Tue. Apr.15 This is my first night in Danbury and one of my worst experiences yet. I arrived late due to trouble finding a taxi to pick me up at the bus stop - I got here at 3:30 instead of the designated 2:45. No big deal except that count is at 4 so no one came to "receive" me until 5:00. By that time the normal R & D staff (receive & discharge) had gone home so some random woman strip-searched me and they decided to put me 'in the hole' for the night. So I'm in a tiny cell with peeling paint, a metal toilet (the kind with the sink on top) and literally behind bars. The man who brought me here cuffed my hands behind my back but then made me carry my stuff, leaving it to me to figure how to pick up my book, paperwork, toothpaste, deodorant, pad of paper, and socks that I brought with me for the trip. When I got here it soon became clear that the other women were here for fighting about sex/a relationship. They are screaming at each other about who sucked whose pussy and who hit whom first. As I passed by the cells being taken to my own cell they alternately shouted sexually and physically insulting/threating things. "Hey that's some boy there, bring him in here, he can be my room-mate" "Hell no, I don't want that boy, I don't suck dick." etc. Thankfully I was taken to a cell by myself. This is the first time I have felt afraid and certainly the first time I've felt afraid of other inmates. I think there are at least 5 or 6 other women here. One is weeping loudly, two others are fighting at the top of their lungs and sometimes others join in to scream at them to 'shut the fuck up.' The correctional officers just watch from the head of the cell block. When they tire of the noise they try to drown it out by blasting music as loudly as they can. Supposedly tomorrow a.m. R&D will come get me and then I will be in the camp instead of the hole. I hope so, I won't send this until I've been moved so I can have a happy end to it and you won't worry. The behavior of the inmates is suprising to me but the guards are no better. One of the women who is in here for fighting already had ststches in her lip which apparently were busted open during the fight. In between her continuing yelling at the other woman who she fought with she is yelling to the guards that her lip is bleeding and she keeps spitting blood. The guard has ignored her except once when he said that if she didn't be quiet he'd staple her lips shut. I think the scary thing about all this is that almost all of these fights seem to be about lovers, girlfriends, etc. but I sense that the women involved are straight on the outside because of the way they throw around dyke, bitch, pussy, etc. Sometimes after lots of abusive shouting one of them switches to say, 'I love you I love you you know that I do." I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are being driven to act violently and hatefully. I am struggling a lot and have a pounding headache. I wonder if you can tell I'm having a rough time or just know that my heart is still going steady. It is beating slow & sure and I'm trying to put myself in your arms away from yelling and fighting because we are so gentle w/ each other. I wish I could show or communicate to these women what love feels like and I can't tell if that's stupid or condescending or what. I hope I get out of here soon. Day 2 Joyce Ellinger is down the hall from me, she's been here for 9 days "pending classification." That's what I'm here for too, according to the sheet I got this morning. They literally call it being in the hole for paperwork. Day 2 evening I have yet to figure out how to be calm, loving and patient and told him that he had people's blood on his hands and I hoped "when I was older" I would NOT be like him (he had implied that 3 months here would make me 'grow up.') He eventually kicked me out of his office and when I tried to complain to the C.O.s outside his door he overheard and came storming out yelling even more. After the exchange a very friendly guard came over and said, "Carr, just stay away from him. He's a jerk to everyone, I don't even like working w/ him." So that was validating and took my anger down a notch or two. I secretly will admit that I both dread and revel in the fact that I get to tell him I'm refusing to pay my fine... I suspect he'll try to threaten me about it though so I may need your help. Danbury camp is great so far. It's smaller (only 2-300 women) so there's less to do, but you're allowed on the grass and I think the smaller # makes the environment much more personable and friendly and the guards more relaxed. Also, guide dogs are trained here, so there are two beautiful puppies to play with! I would call the food better but nor would I call it worse. Also, it's more gay friendly. No word on the trans stuff yet but we'll see. <3 |